Normalcy Overrated

Some days just aren't worth crap. Today I realized I ran out of leave after 4 hours. I thought I had more. I did come in for 2 hours that day, so hopefull that will save my butt.
Beau says he doesn't ever want to get married. His reasons are that marriage fails and he wants his toys. Like I would take that all away or somethign, whatever. Its not like I want to get married right now, but maybe later on in life....
It just makes me sad, because maybe he doesn't really love me like I thought he did. I don't know. I am confused.

Previous Goals:
Get to work on time (Keepign that up!)
Take as many hours as I can at part time job. (In progress)
Watch spending. Since I don't have any time anymore, I can't spend as much. (In progress)
Watch Bill Mahr tonight who is broadcasting from DC. (I didn't do this one.)
Get flea treatment for cats. (Still haven't done this, no money!)
If I don't work, go for a walk tonight. The weather is great! (Didn't go for the walk darn-it)
Keep a positive attitude. I have it right now, I just have to hold on! (So far so good)

New Goals:
Keep the house (kitchen and living room) clean.
Eat better.
Keep up with previous goals not accomplished yet.

Today I feel pretty good! I am pretty sleepy though.

Previous Goals were to:
Get trash and stuff out of car. (Did get trash out of car, and even washed the outside)
Vacuum car. (Didn't happen)
Clean out rest of dresser. (Did clean it out)
Finish laundry. (Always in process)
Clean off couch in basement. (Almost completed!)

New Goals:
Get to work on time (I was only 10 min late today)
Take as many hours as I can at part time job.
Watch spending. Since I don't have any time anymore, I can't spend as much.
Watch Bill Mahr tonight who is broadcasting from DC. (You have to put in an easy one)
Get flea treatment for cats.
If I don't work, go for a walk tonight. The weather is great!
Keep a positive attitude. I have it right now, I just have to hold on!

After an anxious and emotional Thursday, an anxiety filled Friday, a numb weekend with some high points, I am here, today.

Today, I feel remakably well rested, and alert. I did have 2 large cups of coffee, but I don't feel nervous. The issues and anxiety that accompanied it late last week seems to be waning and I feel pretty good today. There is still a bit of insecurity remaining, but I think in just a short while that will go away as long as things stay on the up and up.

I am at 209 and I am on day 3 of it. Eating has been both good and bad. Exercise has been good.
I feel great about my cleaning progress this past weekend. I cleaned my car mostly - exterior and wiped down the surfaces like the dash and windows. I went through all my lotions and stuff and have them sorted. I also picked up the house and kept up on the dishes.

Goals:
Get trash and stuff out of car.
Vacuum car.
Clean out rest of dresser.
Finish laundry.
Clean off couch in basement.

Today is what I consider a good day. I am well rested (considering the amount of sleep I got yesterday and last night its not surprising), I am in no pain or discomfort, I feel energetic and alert, and the sun is shining. I made a great meal last night, grilled chicken, baked potatoes, and salad. yum! I put in a load of dishes and watched my favorite shows.
Today I came to work, without much dragging, and got a few things done before 10am. My leg is nervously twitching, but that probably because I have had plenty of caffeine. haha

Today I am a few days away from my p, so I am kind of bloated. I weigh about 208-209. I feel pretty ok about myself today. My jeans are a bit baggy, my sweater isn't my favorite but my hair didn't freak out so thats great! My eating lately has ho-hum with some high points and some low points. I haven't been working out that great, with an average of 2 sessions (cardio/weights) each week. I haven't been wearing my mask regularly. The setting of 9 is allowing me to sleep more hours, but I almost feel better with only 4 hours on 11. Hmmm, something to talk to my doc about in Oct.

Things that I would like to work on this week is keeping up on the dishes, cutting out the pattern to the boppy cover, and finding strategies to find more interest in my work. If you can't change the situation, change your perspective is the mantra right now.

Wishes/goals
1. Get financially stable.
This is a huge goal of mine and one that I wax and wane on. I pretty consistently feel motivated towards this. I went shopping and bought clothing last week, and spent $80.

2. Put in 2 more 30 min cardio sessions.
This is a goal that I just can't seem to do for very long. I have the time, there isn't any excuses really. I will do it for a few weeks, then its done.

3. Eat better and keep in my calorie and fat gram ranges.
This also comes and goes. I do great with b-fast and most lunches, but dinner and snacks go down the tubes. Being home isn't great either. I graze at home alot. Going out to eat I rarely make good choices. I am pretty happy with not drinking sodas and not buying candy usually.

4. Organized/clean home/car.
I LOVE it when my house is clean. I have such a great feeling inside when I do this and actually achieve it. I actually invite company over so that I will do it. Lately, I have done really well with cleaning. I actually scooped the litter box before it needed a thorough changing and loaded the dishwasher before we were out of silverware. Its still not organized nor clean to any real standards though.

5. Engage in creative activities.
I love being creative. I would love to redo my room, paint the floors, paint the walls. I just can't seem to get around to doing it. I have no drive to do it at all. I know that I would feel awesome if I did it and could sit back and look at it.

Worries/dislikes
1. I am not happy at my job.
The pay, people, environment is great, but I am bored with the work. I keep thinking that if I could have flexible hours that it would be better, but really, I think thats my brains way of telling me that I just want to get out of here.

2. I feel trapped in my life.
Noone is holding a gun to my head, but financially and responsibility-wise, I am trapped from making any life altering decisions.

3. I am tired all the time and don't want to do anything.
I just want to lay at home on the couch or sleep. This could be depression, sleep apnea related, or something else. This could be responsible for my lack of motivation at work also.

4. I feel like a failure at maintaining a clean and nice home.
I love design, yet I can't even do anything with my house. Its like I have no pride.

5. I am wishy washy.
One day I am great, the next day I am a ball of smoosh.

I am so confused with myself. What do I like, what do I want, and why the hell do I not care about doing anything or achieving things that make me really happy?

What is wierd is that I am really happy with a few small accomplishments.
1. Stuck to my grocery list on Sunday.
2. I have done really well not drinking sodas.
3. I put in a load of dishes, did a load of laundry and seperated it, and cleaned the litter box.

Maybe I am just to hard on myself. Maybe I am to self-critical and negative and it brings me down, overwhelms me. I try to be so positive on the outside, but perhaps that is what keeps me going when I am so down about myself on the inside.

This is part 1 of my trying to figure myself out.

It seems that every day that I sit here in this chair, that I think to myself at least once, "I hate everything."

I love my life, I just hate sitting here, in this chair and doing what I do here in this chair.

Staring my my fingernails and thinking of nothing is the only thing that I can handle when I start to feel this way. I just keep doing the best that I can, keep trying to please the people who keep me here. I just keep praying and searching for an eventual outlet or a little light down the road to another place. Something that I can make a smooth transition to.

I could just get up and not come back, but that is hardly sensible nor responsible. Its always in the back of my mind though. I am not a risk-taker, I take calculated risks. I wait for an opportunity to present itself first. Nothing so far.

Another 1.5 hrs. I need to find something and dig in.

Today is better than yesterday, or maybe I am just so busy that I haven't noticed.

blah blah blah blah
My brain is mush. No motivation. I wish I worked at home on really creative projects. Something inspiring. Something that makes me feel better than this. I have had a few glimmers of interest this week, but the mundane has nearly smashed it all to hell. I am so tired of working out. I seriously think its to lack of variety in my life. I am so in love and have a wonderful family that I am so freaking happy to have, but personally, I am in a stall pattern with myself. I am a person who is always needing a change. I have a hard time sticking to something for very long. Artistically, I love photography, but should I go out and commit myself to it...I am not sure of it. Drawing, painting, etc. I love it, but the feeling comes and goes, along with sewing, crafting, scrapbooking, and needlepoint. I thought of taking up knitting, and making socks. I hear you can get them done pretty quickly once you get the hang of it. I would probably end up with a whole bunch of unmatched socks. haha
I have tons of ideas for my house, but no money to put them into play. I feel like a failure at work for using up all my leave. I totally suck. My confidence level is in the toilet when it comes to being a valuable team member. All these other people have tons of leave, and I have none. I have been able to get all my work done, so thats promising.
Its so crazy when your life is great and you have barely any complaints other than the usual "I need more money" bs or "I could stand to lose a few pounds.". Seriously. I am just searching inside for something that I am not sure what it is. Would I be happier at my own business, where i call the shots, where i make eveyrthing happen? I don't know about that either. Everything seems to be a great option at this point, but realistically, I fear that I would just end up in teh same position as I am today. The constant interests that I have had is photography and designing interior spaces. I like blogging on my blog and I have made a little tiny bit of cash which I intend to totally spend on myself on something absolutely shameless. I am not sure what it will be yet. I am always scared that this dissatisfaction with my monotonous life is really just depression creeping back in, but I don't feel it. I think that is just antsiness. Like I can't sit still. I dont' have a choice in my career at this point, so I just have to sit there and like it. The things that I love about my job is my boss, my coworkers, and the freedom from micromanaging and the ability to make decisions. The flexibility is awesome and they are so understanding of my medical issues and also my single parenthood. Family orientation is hard to find in an employer. I get paid well enough to live decently, and I really feel grateful for the opportunities that I have had. Why can't I just love it? It makes me angry that I can't.

Today is one of those days. Its the kind of day where you look in the mirror and don't quite see yourself in the same way as usual. Inside, you don't quite feel normal.

Today I am tired, in spite of sleeping with my machine for 6 hours. I am uninspired, unmotivated, and unfocused. I am having a hard time getting done what I need to do. Its hard when I generally am bored to tears with what I do m-f, but I get motivated every now and then by something. Today, I don't think anything other than laying on the couch with the remote in my hand would do. I want to curl up with my scooby-do fleece blankie, prop my feet up on my 1970's fan and go somewhere else. I can't tell if this is depression or just sleepiness. I don't feel sad, but I definitely don't feel happy. I would prefer to just go home or hang out with my family. I really don't want to be here, doing this. I have been pondering a career change, but I don't think that I could afford that at this time in my life, probably not anytime soon for that matter. I really love the people I work with and I really love my work environment, so I don't really know. I am mostly just rambling. I suppose this is something every person thinks about on low days. I feel like I am on slow motion today. My brain is alive, but the rest of me just wants to quit moving for awhile.

Yesterday I went 4-wheeling and it was a blast. B and I had a GREAT day together. I love those days. We mostly have just "ok" days, where we neither fight, nor have great fun. We tend to have more fun days than fight days, so thats good :) Our 2 year anniversary is on Wed, and he doesn't seem to be impressed with the idea of celebrating it. My dad says it just a guy thing. B says that 5 years means something. I think that making 2 years and still feeling the way we do for each other is monumental and deserves a tribute. I am not big on gifts, mostly because I am poor and so is he. I just want to spend some time together, just us. We will see if he participates at all. He said that last month there were a dozen roses on sale at this grocery store in town for $5. He said he almost bought them for me, but then got distracted...I guess the thought counts for a little, tiny, something...but not as much as if he actually bought them for me. We aren't really a very materialistic couple, as in gift giving. Christmas and birthdays are pretty much it.

Weight loss isn't happening. I keep snacking on crap. I haven't worked out in a week. The worst part is that I have no motivation to really care. I am so non-commital to my diet and exercise. I am just to tired to care. I do well at bfast, then ok at lunch, snacktime is good, then dinnertime kills it when I graze before dinner, then after dinner. Weekends are all over the place. I try to graze on low cal foods, but sometimes cheese calls my name or I eat too many of those sugar-free fat-free jellos. Its like I go on autopilot and just don't care about or think about goals.

I think that I am nice looking. I am not grotesquely obese, but I am not healthy either. I am "ok" with me right now. I would love to get rid of my nasty flabby fat arms. That really is what I hate about my body. I don't mind a mildly flabby tummy, or a jumbo rear, or big boobs...its the arms. B makes me feel sexy and pretty. Its just amazing. Another reason I want to lose weight is clothes shopping and how they fit. It would be nice to be back into a large or into a size 14-16. Thats a nice goal. I was almost in a 16 a while back, but I ruined that one by slacking. This roller coaster of motivation sucks a big fat one.

Some days I am fine, I eat well, I workout good, i feel wonderful...then there are days like today. So far today I have actually eaten really well. I had SmartOnes fettucini and broccoli alfredo, some fruit and tomatoes, and alot of coffee (i use spenda and ff coffeemate). for snack i am looking at water with crystal lite raspberry and some apple chips. I just have to get through with that for the rest of the day. a dinner of baked chicken would be good since I haven't had any protein today. i had raisin bran and skim milk for bfast.

Well, my brain feels better by letting that all out. It feels clearer to just let all that stuff that is in your brain pour out, unregulated.